Just another freaking day and another freaking moment of my life writing xanga... the physics teacher, Mr Scott decided to give us a surprised mock exam less than a week before the real one today, luckily I did scrap quite a bit of marks, despite the fact I couldn't do anything about the last question at all cos I have missed that bit when I had the accident, but well... Hopefully I can get over with the revision in time to get a few A s lol =P. Mike's given me some comment about my last blog text, yea, maybe I should just forget Rachel, since it's not like she really want to remember me anyway... hopefully one day, I can move on... Worked in the shop last night again, it was absolutely rubbish and I really wasn't keen on doing anything, so literally it was a night wasted, but oh well, that's life. Today I have been thinking about it, why does everyone want to get a job? Some say they want the money so they won't be skint when they go on to university, some say it's just for fun, other say because everyone else's doing it... Now looking back at myself, maybe the job isn't that bad really since everyone else's doing it, but one thing though, they may have enjoyed the job they are diong at least, and they can spend their money!! and that's not true for me. It has become apparent to me that for any university expenses, it's unlikely for my parents to squeeze out any fund possible for it, so I do in fact have to ern to live university life as a student... One thing after another, I feel like I had lived in the history and I'm just here to witness it again, have I died already?

Everything seems so bad, life is really going down for me... Parents are being parentally mad about each other and rows and all that always happen, I start to wonder again if I should even live with a family like this, where is love and care? Does it only come when there is an accident? When will it really come to stay and when will I really have the care and love I have always dreamt of? Maybe it will never come... Despite it's been a month since me and Rachel broke up, and many things happened in between to stop us seeing each other and to brainwash me away from the heart killing pains I had, but I am still in unhappiness... the dream of someone you really love walking into a church in a wedding with you, with you not being the man does seem to linger in my thoughts and I don't think it can ever be erased, definitely not in the short future I don't think... I really start to wonder the main question of life... how do you make someone love you? How do you get care and love from anyone?? I have given and I have loved and now I feel like I have lost the ways... But on a second thought, though self-conflicting my own thinkings at the moment... do I love because I expect to be loved? I really don't know, oh, God... Please show me a sign and point me a way... Strangely last night, I was reading short article about Christianity believes and values, sometimes bad things happen, but they can well be the hardships one must face in order to grow up... maybe it's time for me to grow... but how can I make a move on?